They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
