Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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