God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Randomize
