and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
