By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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