goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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