She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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