i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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