her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
