Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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