I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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