wat bout pragnant strippers??
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
We left an ass print on the piano.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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