This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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