Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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