DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
