It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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