Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
