I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i love accidental penises.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
