Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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