So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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