she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
