have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
