How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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