i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Your penis caused this!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
