her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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