Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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