I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
