I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
