fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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