I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Randomize
