remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
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