seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
