I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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