Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
