woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
