I'm eating all of the evidence.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
