and you said cock pushups were impossible
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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