We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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