i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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