Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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