dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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