Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
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