This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
