WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
