I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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