He asked to "fluff my boner.."
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Randomize
