If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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