I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
