I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
