I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
