where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
