They should really pass out barf bags in church
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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