Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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